Saturday, January 14, 2006

Sophia, the Movie

A Cautionary Tale of Curiosity and Appliances

Director: Frances Ford Coppola

Today was a day for a million and one things to be done, things that have been waiting for attention during all these weeks that I’ve been recovering from slipping ont he ice and getting a concussion. But in the middle of hauling a ton of laundry down to the basement washing machine, I suddenly doubled over –

“What Fresh Hell is This?” I asked my imaginary pal, Shakespeare.

“Oh it’s just the stomach flu,” he said nonchalantly, as he flipped my undies into the whirling machine – darks and lights together, mind you.

“Arrgh!” I replied. “Get Thee to a Nunnery!”

Shakespeare threw me a quizzical look, arched eyebrow and all.

“Sorry, wrong story,” I mumbled.

I managed to get everything in and turn the machine on (this is a tale of appliances, after all), and get back upstairs. A cup of tea, that’s what I need, I thought as I flopped down at the kitchen table.

“Not to worry, dearheart, I’ve already got the kettle on” quipped Jane Austen, my other imaginary friend. She had even set the writing desk under the bay window with crumpets and strawberry jam made by Trappist Monks (Holy Jam, Batman!). I had Pleine Lune tea (Full Moon – Vanilla Almond Black tea with Lavender flowers) from Mariage Freres. Jane offered cups around to a whole room full of imaginary friends and we had a jolly time, while cold rain fell outside the windows. Catherine the cat curled up on our toes and the Professor’s CD played beautiful, inspiring music.

Ahhhhh, I felt pretty good! I would go out, I thought. I’ll go to see Harry Potter again. I really need to study Snape more closely in this movie; I didn’t quite catch everything yet… I’ll stop at the Thrift Shop first and see if they have any nice old cashmere sweaters… maybe I’ll stop at the corner market before the movie and smuggle in a cheese sandwich…

Jeeves, my other imaginary friend, had the car ready and warmed up when I got out the door. The thrift store is near the theatre and I'll be right on time, I thought. Jeeves and I had wandered around the thrift for a few minutes, when I begin to feel a bit wonky.

“Tummy trouble?” murmured Jeeves, sotto voce.

“Arrgh!” I said as I writhed on the floor.

“I’m sorry madam,” Jeeves said evenly to the woman behind the counter, “we haven’t found anything to suit today. Thank you, though; Very nice selection. We will be certain to return.”

Jeeves helped me to the car and we high-tailed it home, where he settled me on the couch and handed me two pink Pepto-Bismol pills. How do you spell relief?

I woke up later and William, Jane, and Jeeves were messing around in the kitchen throwing out old things that have been in the refrigerator too long.

“Billy Corgan came while you were asleep,” Shakespeare calls out. “He’s down in the basement putting your laundry in the dryer. But he’s hungry. Don’t you have anything with an expiration date sometime in this century???”

“You should talk,” crabbed Jane.

“Uh,,,,,” I moaned guiltily, “I was going to go grocery shopping next Friday on payday.”

“Planning on eating between now and then??” Jane said sarcastically. (Jane can be very cutting at times. She’s one of those people who gets crabby when they’re hungry.)

Billy came up from the basement while Jeeves was taking all the garbage food out to the tip.
“Yo, Bitch! Get up from the couch and make me some cheese on toast.” He said with a cute little grin.

Of course, I did. You’d have to be nuts to refuse someone who can write something like “Mellon Collie and the Infinite Sadness”.

We all had cheese on toast, then Billy took the dog out and then we decided to watch America’s Next Top Model DVDs for the rest of the evening (Shakespeare really likes Tyra Banks; “She would have made a great Tatiana,” he says.).

I finished knitting my Seawave Shawl:

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And I hope I feel well enough to go to work next week so I can wear it. But I’ll have to leave my imaginary friends at home to clean up because I know there’s going to be a popcorn brawl when we all watch the NFL Playoffs later tonight.

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